I guess 20mg of addy was too much for me. Its almost 2am and I cant fucking sleep. My midterm is in 9 hrs and my thoughts are spiraling everywhere. Fuck me. I can’t believe it’s almost April too. Didn’t 2013 JUST start? Like what the fuck man. I seriously feel like I’m just stuck. Everything I used to find enjoyable isn’t enjoyable to me anymore. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up this facade. I don’t even know what I want or what I’m looking for. I just feel like I’m barely living. Something is missing and it’s making me feel empty inside. I keep trying and trying but how many more times do I need to fall before things start becoming okay again?
i cant believe that in such a short period of time, i got to meet 2 out of 3 groups of people that i look up to. i got to meet wesley chan from wongfu productions back in fall 2012 and just yesterday i ran into the guys from simplepickup at the beach (they were making a video). it was such an honor to meet them, they’ve helped me with the social part of my life and i strive to improve it more as i learn from them. they were so humble too. im seriously so freakin happy. haha how awesome would it be to meet the last role model of mine, Taeyang?
i fucking love california.
Nostalgia (n.) Noun A sentimental longing for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations
I was cleaning my room today and I came across my “memory” box, a little shoebox where i put little items that are sentimental to me. i opened it and a wave of nostalgic emotion swept across me. it had all the old letters from her and cards i’ve gotten in the past and little notes from my old roomates… i guess today it hit me that i’m still clinging on to the past and I always have been but i guess I never wanted to admit it to myself. i always find myself mentioning something in the past and it sucks because i honestly do want to move on, but it’s just hard. all the fun, happy, sad, times are all just memories now. that thought to me is pretty depressing. and i’m such an asshole. i cant believe she even stuck around so long. after rereading all her letters and little notes, i realized how much she did for me and how above and beyond she went. and in return i treated her like shit and she even waited for me all summer to come back to california only to have her heart broken by me from the terrible decisions i made. i really am an asshole. and then after that through a series of more bad decisions i ended up losing my 2 friends who were my world, just like that. i try to live life positively, always striving forward and working on ways to become the best person I can be. what gets me through is that I just look at these situations and lessons and sacrifices, hefty sacrifices though. for example, at the sacrifice of my 2 great friends, one who i even considered to be my brother, i learned that i need to communicate more. how have i applied this? one way is that i have a better communication with my parents now. i can actually talk to them now about what i’ve been going though whereas before I would just tell them I’m fine and that’d be it. so after writing all this I do feel better. I still need to get it all out of my system, one step at a time. i’ve fucked up and i know that now. i need to let go and move on already. lessons were learned and experiences gained. here’s to a better future.
I’ll collect myself and crawl through the shadows.
Reach up my hands to the sky and shout out
I’ll never make these same mistakes again.
Cause someone up there holds the key to my heart
I’d do everything to tear it apart
By never allowing myself to let you win.
“Better Half of Me” - Dash Berlin
damn dude. it got me again. i seriously need to find the balance in between the two. this year is the year to change. this is the last time this shit is happening. and from the wise words of my good friend, Chun,
“cuz u befriend everyone in a friendzone way nigga”
i know what i need to do. im so excited to start class tomorow. ready to start doing the things i’ve always wanted to do but was afraid to do becauseof failing. im only recently starting to embrace failing. it’s not a fun feeling, but it is a neccessity.
“Because if you want to be good at everything, you have to embrace the fact that you will suck at it for a long time.
Those were just two examples of things I’ve been new at. After I got over my pride, I discovered I could be new at ANYTHING and just do it without being embarrassed. I got in control of my life instead of my life controlling me.
So really think about it. Where are those moments that you allow fear of failure to make decisions for you?
Yeah. Get rid of those. The only way you’ll get better at anything is to commit to failing for a while. If you’re starting at a 1 out of 10, you’ve gotta go through 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 – all failing grades – before you get to 7.
So, live it. Become it. Be it.”
my new years resolutions all relates to one ultimate thing - to become a boss - the best person i can be. i’ve laid out the steps to do so and the 2nd step begins tomorow. i can’t wait. cheers to the future. no more lingering on the past, it’s time to move forward.
as much as im looking forward to finally start school again, it’s finally hit me, the sadness that my winter break is over. even though it was way too long, i did a lot this winter break since Dec 14th. Dec 15 I flew to Cambodia and 2 1/2 weeks, then spent 3 days in Singapore. The weekend after that went to Vegas and then it was Madeon the weekend after that and Porter Robinson this past weekend. Now all of these events are just memories in my head and pictures on my phone
i am a working man again. first day starts today. as i was running last night, i couldn’t help but smile during the 3 miles I ran. it was a beautiful night with the moon big and bright in the sky, it would seem at some points I’d be running towards the moon. why was i smiling so much? because life is finally being good to me. MY urges to smoke have completely disappeared. before when i tried to quit, a few days later the urges came back. this time around they’re completely gone, woo! this winter break is also too damn long. i’m actually excited to start class next week. thats when my IT internship begins too. werk + internship + school = goodbye social life, but i was prepared for this. im gonna be hiding under a rock for awhile, but if i do good, maybe i’ll buy myself an EDC ticket (:
it’s finally hitting me, the sadness that vacation is over.
this past winter break was just too damn fun. leaving cambodia
wasn’t hard, i was like shit im ready to head back stateside, but now
i’m having mad nostalgia. looking through the 3000+ pics in chronological
order since the very beginning is making me miss my family a lot more than
usual. i was like fuckk im ready to be away from all these people, but now i
miss them dammit lol. like this past break made me realize how fucking lucky
i am to have the family that i have. i’ve yet to encounter even one person who
does half the shit my family does. and going back to their roots really opened
my eyes this time, why they’re so close and why they value family so much. like
i felt a bit emotional when we met a woman (elderly lady now) who basically helped
keep my mom, aunt, and uncle alive. i wouldn’t have been here without her. and
when we were at her house, my uncle told us the story of how him and and my aunt literally almost got executed just because the khmer rouge thought
they were a couple. they were waiting to be shot for 3hrs in the jungle, and my uncle was only in his teens. imagine what goes through your mind in a situation like that. fortunately, they made it out alive. man im just feelin really grateful to my
family right now, to all the cousins, aunts, uncles, and of course my own family,
i dont say it much but i really love you all. even you, molly LOL <3
lookin forward to the next family trip! because i mean really, how many more
years of these annual family trips do we have left?! YOLO lol…
It’s been quite awhile since
I’ve been in the international
part of an airport. I find it
very fascinating seeing all the
different people from various
countries. It relates back to that
word - “sonder”. Each of these
people lead their own lives in a
different part of the world. It’s
just so interesting to think about.
So these last couple months,
contrary to what some people
might think, I’ve learned quite
a lot about myself. In the lowest
point of my life, there were people
who were there for me whom I
didn’t expect. I’m excited to get the
ball rollin in 2013. I’m going to
start living a life without regrets.
No more thinking, “damn that girl
was cute, should’ve approached her and asked for her number.” That was just one example haha. I know the
kind of people I want in my life and
I now know the changes that need to be done. Enough of this talking, actions speak louder than words. Ah it’s time for me to board. Cheers to everyone, have a safe and happy holidays. See all you beautiful people in 2013..
i just finished my last final and in 2 motherfuckin
days, im gonna be heading to the other side of the
fuckin world. it’s been 5 years since i’ve been to
Cambodia and this is my second time ever going.
im excited to revisit my roots and eat all the great
food they have out there that you cant get here,
even in Long Beach (Cambodia Town). after 2 1/2
weeks going around different parts of the country, i
will be coming back to civilization in Signapore for
about a week! i cant wait to check out all the
fashion merchandise out there,and of course eat
some great food! I come back to LA on Jan 8th, and 2 days
after that i’ll be heading to vegas! this is gonna be a fuckin
AWESOME winter break. LETS DO THIS!!
ever since ID Fest back in August, ive stopped
saying something along the lines, ‘OMG THAT WAS SO MUCH
FUN, WHENS THE NEXT ONE?” im over raving.
i never thought id hear myself say that. cosmic
gate this past weekend confirmed it.
i still had fun, but not the FUN i used to have. i was
so stuck in trying to remember and prolong the good
times i had with everything and didn’t want to admit
to myself that everyone was moving on with their
lives, while i wanted the fun to last a bit longer.
but now i finally realized i cant be doing it forever.
its time to put away the kandis for a bit, but whenever
i look at all these old pictures, the memory from these times
will forever be with me. ive had some of the best times of my
lives with people i will never see again, and i also met amazing
people i can call my friends through this music. for that i am
very grateful. hopefully these kids keep the plur alive.
PS. i plan on only going to the SHM show and MAYBE porter
robinson next semester and
thats it since i have a ticket already. after spring semester
ends and i get into 1 of my 3 target schools, (CSULB, SDSU, UCSD),
im gonna reward myself and consider going to EDC since i do
want to experience it once.